This year in weird… the 25 most ridiculous things that happened on TNS in 2013

We love it when news of weird events reaches the TNS editorial desk. From the girl who drugged her parents for more internet time, to the US college student who asked Nirvana if ‘she’ could record a homecoming video, to the man who blew up his house in anger after his wife took the kids on a picnic without him… we can’t get enough, and judging by the viral quality of these snippets of news you can’t either.

We’ve had some corkers this year, from all over the world. Remember the Chinese woman who staged on her own funeral (yes, she spent the entirety of it laying down in a coffin) in order to “appreciate life more keenly?” Or the American man whose ONE JOB was to guard a cellar of vintage whiskey — but failed and drank it all, later claiming it had “evaporated?”

As they say, it takes all sorts.

Despite the amount of bizarre happenings that seem to go on across the pond/in China, it was in fact our very own Oddbins that kicked off this year’s impressive slew of bizarre events, when they offered a post-New Year discount — but only for redheads, bankers, Germans… and journalists? Yeah, we’ll get on board with the last one.

In the interests of inclusivity, let’s take ourselves on a Weird World tour of 2013’s news…

Australia

It’s probably not advisable to attack a police officer with any object… especially not if it’s, you know, an egg-based savoury snack. Social norms didn’t matter to Australian woman Jane Bugmy, though — when she was accidentally issued with a warning for violence in April she proceeded to ‘forcibly’ smack the (probably slightly bemused) officer with her recently bought quiche. We can’t see what affect this would have had, other than to make everyone concerned feel that they might be participating in some kind of clown themed hidden camera prank show. Unfortunately the joke was on Jane, and she was later hauled to court to atone for her egg-based mishaps.

See also: the university that pulled its own magazine from the shelves after a cover featuring the vaginas of 18 students.

Brazil

One Brazilian testicular cancer awareness group tookthe healthiness message to a new level in October with their elected mascot, Senhor Testiculo. For those of us that aren’t au fait with Portuguese, this translates, plainly, as Mr Balls — and yes, that is exactly what he is. Complete with public hair. In publicity shots, Mr Balls is seen perching on a table next to a small, smiling female child. Wow.

China

China always comes up trumps in lists of collected weirdness. Aside from the woman who staged her own funeral (above), this year we were also treated to the zoo that found itself in hot water after trying to pass off dogs as lions and rats as snakes. Savvy customers were definitely not fooled — one pointed out that “To use a dog to impersonate a lion is definitely an insult to tourists.” We agree. Not cool, zoo. Not cool at all.

Also, there was the Chinese porn addict who was forced to (probably quite painfully) take himself off to hospital after getting a live eel stuck up his bum. Ouch.

Germany

Considering Germany’s reputation for being austere and so very, very serious, these are not words that we would expect to hear coming out of the country’s news reports: man called Vulcan, high on marijuana and ecstasy, arrested after breaking into Angela Merkel’s plane and dancing on the wing in his underwear. But they certainly did. Day made.

UK

And now we’re back in the UK, where the classic British eccentricity has been out in full force in 2013. In June, a man in a penis costume was assaulted on Glastonbury High Street, and a woman in a vagina costume came to his rescue. In the same month, an entire Manchester school was banned from Chester Zoo when pupils mooned the monkey enclosure. In July, a man was driving around the midlands town of Walsall with a prostitute in his car –when the police pulled him over he insisted that she was helping him buy tomatoes (no tomatoes were found.) In Leeds, the Student Union caused confusion when it accidentally ordered 4,000 bottles of Jaegermeister (enough for 112,000 Jaegerbombs) — and then a student made a viral video in which he stapled his testicles together for a bet after losing at FIFA. Great.

USA

The winner in this, though, is probably the USA. Let us present this list of exemplary people, in bullet pointed form:

  • The novelist who sought out an intern to have a “30 day affair” with him

…and everywhere else

And then of course there’s the internet, whose citizens come from nowhere, yet everywhere at the same time, and are without a doubt the weirdest of any bunch of humans you will ever encounter. May we offer you: a man, the best of all men that have ever posted questionable ads on Craigslist… the man who has “gots some child cats in my back yard” and is looking to sell them off. Queue sensibly, folks — “they real cute.”

And let’s not forget the creepy children of Reddit, one of whom wants to peel all her mother’s skin off.

Honestly, we love the people of this world, uniting us as they do in incredulity and shared disbelief. We’re glad we could share this year’s batch of crazy with you all. Now, onwards to 2014 — may there be much, much more weirdness ahead.

This article was originally published in 2013 on The National Student